I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
