She went from zero to smokin in five shots
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
