I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize