I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize