She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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