my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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