All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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