I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
either way he was missing a nipple.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
