Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
