just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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