I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
