Well apparently he's into motor boating.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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