Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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