I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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