im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
