You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
