Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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