it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
His nipple licking is glorious
Randomize
