Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Randomize
