I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
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