I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
