i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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