How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
