You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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