Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
