I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
