There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
