This is not my ceiling
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
