We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
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