i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
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