nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
