Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Randomize
