Old men and throwing up are my life now.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
