and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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