Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
