He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
