non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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