I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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