Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
