Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Just took my morning after pill in the library
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
