eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Randomize