why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Randomize
