I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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