I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
