I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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