I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
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