Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
