Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
