If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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