I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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