I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
