Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
