I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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