Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize