i need an iv and a liver transplant
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize
