Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
