Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
