There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
