Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Randomize
