What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
