put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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