I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
