i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
