sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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