you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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