Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Randomize
