I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
