we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
