I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Randomize
