I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
