So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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