Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Randomize
