At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
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