Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
