We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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