so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize