So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
