Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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