There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
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